Tuesday, April 23, 2013

365 Days of Memories take FOUR -- Day 112

Cancer and Clarity

*Ain't no rhyme or reason, no complicated meaning,
Ain't no need to overthink it, let go laughing...
Life don't go quite like you planned it, we try so hard to understand,
Irrefutable, indisputable fact is,
It happens.*
--Sugarland --

If there is one truly positive thing I've taken away from my experience with cancer it's that every so often I open my eyes, take a deep breath of the fresh air, watch the seasons changing and realize how much I really, really appreciate my life.  I will confess that most of the time I forget.  I forget that I had the type of cancer that kills more young people every year than any other.  I forget that I have scars on my back that will remain with me forever.  I forget the pain of those seven surgeries and the devastation of hearing the words "you have cancer". And I'm lucky that I'm able to forget...

But then there are days like today when I'm given these tiny moments, driving down the Bluegrass Parkway on the way home from work, listening to the radio and singing Keith Urban at the top of my lungs.  I glanced out the windows through the sunshine and noticed how much things have changed in just a week's time.  I saw how beautiful the newly green trees looked and the pinks and whites of the flowers and the sweet new foals out in the pastures - all tucked beneath the bright blue skies overhead - and in that moment I took a deep breath and thanked God for my life. 

It's amazing how a few hours of not knowing what will be... how bad the cancer is, if it's spread, if you'll have to have major surgery to remove lymph nodes, or go through chemo or worse... how literally a few hours can change your entire life. 

And now, because of those hours and the days and weeks that followed, the time it took to recover and really believe I would be 'okay', all it takes is one simple moment of everyday living to give me such clarity and make me realize how blessed I truly am.

Life is never perfect, it's messy and it's filled with ups and downs.  Yes, I did have cancer, but now I'm okay, even though it will take years to recover from the financial burden and the scars will never completely fade and even with that part of me that fears every mole on my body, I know that I am alive and I am so incredibly thankful for that.


Optimistic Existentialist said...

Rachel you are a true inspirational soul...this was such an amazing post to read. Thank you.

Rachel said...

Thank you so much! That means a lot to me :)