Wednesday, January 4, 2012

365 Days Take Three! -- Day Four

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*I used to think I knew everything.  I was a 'smart person' who 'got things done', and because of that, the higher I climbed, the more I could look down and scoff at what seemed silly or simple, even religion.  But I realized something as I drove home that night;  that I am neither better nor smarter, only luckier.  And I should be ashamed of thinking I knew everything, because you can know the whole world and still feel lost in it.  So many people are in pain - no matter how smart or accomplished - they cry, they yearn, they hurt.  But instead of looking down on things, they look up, which is where I should have been looking, too.  Because when the world quiets to the sound of your own breathing, we all want the same things;  comfort, love and a peaceful heart.*

-- Mitch Albom --

I did not know that losing someone could effect me so profoundly.

I did not know that two and a half weeks after her death I would still find myself crying at the drop of a hat when I think about her life and what it's meant to mine.  About growing up with her as my 'granny'... about spending countless hours of my childhood picking dandelions from her yard and tasting gooseberries and rhubarb from her garden... sneaking caramels from her closet and building puzzles at her kitchen table as we snacked on peanuts and drank pepsi.

I think about our trips to the beach and our long talks on the back deck.  I think about how just a few months ago she tried to hook me up with the roto rooter guy because he was very "good looking Rachel!" 

I think about all of the times she called me in the weeks before her death and asked me to order Christmas gifts for her because she refused to hop on into the 21st century and purchase a computer so she could get online.  I think about how she hated "the facebook" and all of our cell phones and digital cameras and how she lectured us constantly about keeping things private and having our identities stolen.

I think about how she still hugged each of us (her grandchildren) good bye everytime we left her house and offered us some bit of wisdom (be good... work hard at your job so you can get a better one... I love you...).

Mostly though, I think of how much it has affected me, more than the loss of any of my other grandparents (I've lost all of them now) - to go through this loss.  The loss of my mother's mother.  I don't know why... or maybe I do, but this loss has been harder than any other.  And I say maybe I do, because I think I do and I think it's because it's the finality of the relationship that most daughter's prize so very much.  I simply cannot begin to imagine losing my mom and so, to see her lose her own mom... that's almost just as unimaginable.

It's been hard... harder than I could have imagined this would be.

But life will go on, we will honor her memory... she will not be forgotten.

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